I don't need to be a writer to have writer's block. student writer's block. I'm typing this to get words out of my head, because it's been ages since I've done so. It will first come out in convoluted chunks, and much proof reading, and rambling. This need to reconnect with the part of me that's allowed to, well, bullshit. I am tasked with a gp essay and my exam is a week later. I haven't practised. Complacency placed me in an area where I thought I could write as long as I was once able to. My friend says I have the ability to bullshit, I think I do too. Used to. So now I'm making myself write non stop such that I'll gain confidence in my 'I can write non stop' area.

The aim of this is to get out the cancellations on my exam piece, the fear of not getting the 'right' words, the perfect words, the words which will score me the A (ironically, without having to study at all, yeah right). So I now have a week. And a night to complete the two assignments I am tasked with. Here I am, in a great attempt to type non stop and get rid of my fear.

Well what fear. I think I can't think in depth these days. Literature - the study of human minds, psychology, something I loved and used to love. But nowadays, I seem to have adopted the notion that, as long as I stay structured and memorize the facts, everything will be okay. Wrong. This is not going towards the right track.

I searched "how to cure writers' block" and a person by the name of 'david (I forgot what)' said you should really type out how you feel about writing.

Now let's see.

1) I like to think, but within the time constraint, I am unable to. The nuance of the words, the complexities of the human mind

2) As I am writing this, I ask myself why I am making myself write non-stop when the beauty of thought is the process of rethinking, re-editing. (This is absolutely bullshit).

3) There is a problem with putting my thoughts into words. But before that, there is a problem with having thoughts in the first place. If given such a question in the past:

4) My inadequacies in writing. My writing style has somehow, I believe, deteriorated. This is primarily due to the expectation I hold for myself. In my head; there is an expectation to perform. Then there is the reality, the inability to meet the expectation. the gap between expectation and reality is a mere, imaginary gap. What is inability? Not being able to reach a standard. What are standards? Benchmarks set by oneself. I now look at this paragraph and think: this is so incoherent, or maybe it's as though I am thinking aloud.

Something hit me. To be coherent is to translate your thoughts onto paper, write aloud. So people can trace your thoughts. Have I not solved my problem of incoherence?

My past (or perhaps even present) problem of incoherence might stem from my fear of wanting to present only the best thoughts, thus I only say the "insightful" words. I guess some are able to put their "insight" across really succinctly, in a clear concise manner, but my brain is not structured. So I can do it another way: do the long winded explanations but at least the teachers know what I'm writing about.

Mind is too clouded with fear: three fears: first - that I HAVE to write a topic sentence that properly summarize what I (am about to say), which is against my personality because I just really like to evaluate, analyse before I come to a conclusion. Second - that my ideas HAVE to be insightful, spot on, even with the 1 second I am given to think. Third - and I am just trying to force feelings out to train myself - the fear of having grammatically imperfect (not incorrect) english that would jeopardize my marks. I think my content isn't strong enough for my desired grades.

In gp, in literature, you have to have "control" over what you write. Because you are given a limited amount of time, such that the depth, the breadth of the topic you are discussing has to be limited.

One mistake I've made, is that I try to force control even before I have lost control. After every sentence, I re-read it and think, "is this where I stop, such that I won't seem like I'm losing control?". This is restrictive, completely unproductive.

Also, i keep thinking of what others say, "you can scribble over your paper if you feel it'll make you coherent". But then I spent time planning. Then I think, "ohno I spent time planning but I'll be incoherent on my first paragraph, how!".

Another fear-driven action. Non-productive. Does not serve me. As if I do not know. The solution to get rid of this fear, is to

1) Stop thinking my english is terrible, lacks nuance. It simply comes with my acceptance for whatever word and thought that comes to my head. Nuance comes from a place of connection with your feelings. These days, I have been disconnected. Will I be able to find it back in 7 days? I might.

To feel is not to be vulnerable. To feel is to acknowledge your current emotions, and express it. Not to fear whether you have expressed it well, because noone knows what you're thinking, and whatever you write IS what you feel. Even if it's a little different from what is on your mind. That comes with practice anyway.

Then there is my fear for literature, that I do not have content. Bullshit. I can just read the book, feel the characters, and I can then naturally understand what effects the techniques bring. Does not come with "studying".

--

Don't be clouded by the fear that "I've not studied enough", just because others practised like mad to get their grades. If I put down my fear and manage to connect with my emotions again, words will come back to me. In gp essays, I can't feel for the question and end up getting stuck. Because I am unable to feel from that perspective, I am too caught up in the world of the "self", and forced attempts to bring in "society" are, as the word suggests, forced.

How do I solve this?

Put down your fear of being grammatically wrong. Even with this unconscious blabbering, there's nothing much wrong with my sentence structure. I just have to trust my instincts and write whatever comes to my head first. If there are errors, and I can kind of forsee the structure error - just continue writing the sentence and edit a word or two. Not correct the entire structure.

Be emotionally connected with whatever I'm writing. To do that, do as atticus finch says, "to walk around in others' shoes". So what if the quote is entirely wrong? The main idea is there.

You will be fine. Look what you've written. Be emotionally connected to find the nuance. Trust your instincts with english, they're fine. Then you'll naturally be able to have the freedom of thought to think, like you used to.

A few errors will not harm anyone :)

sent from blackberry